Good Evening City Council,

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          My name is Anne Marie Hauben. I was born and raised in Melrose, but currently live in Stamford, CT. You may remember me from when I spoke back in April in support of the resolution put forth and affirmed by this city council on April 7th supporting the goals and ideals of Sexual Assault Awareness Month. All councilors in attendance that night voted in support of the resolution, but in the months since, it’s become clear that more needs to be said. That’s why I’m here again tonight: to offer further context, share a bit of my personal experience, and continue the important conversation that resolution called for.

 

          When I attended the next meeting on April 27, I spoke to clearly outline the actions this council and everyone must take to support survivors and to combat the pervasive societal problem of sexual violence (sexual violence is an umbrella term for ALL sexual assault & abuse). To reiterate what I said back in April, supporting survivors is not passive. It requires action, commitment, and courage. For those in leadership roles, leadership is about responsibility. Being on city council is more than just discussing budgets, buildings, and overrides. Being on city council is about putting the well-being of the community in which you serve over your own personal alliances. If you can’t do that you should not be on a city council. It is not enough to say you support survivors. Actions must reflect that otherwise it makes a person disingenuous and untrustworthy. You can’t say you support survivors and/or vote to affirm the resolution supporting the goals and ideals of Sexual Assault Awareness Month and then at the same time continue to harm a victim/survivor, spread untrue rumors about her to try to discredit her, attempt to silence her, threaten the victim and/or their supporters with defamation, tell them that they are just smearing the perpetrator, and watch idly as your friends try to eviscerate the survivor on-line or maybe even participate in these heinous attacks yourself. 

 

          To build upon my statement about how to support people who speak out about the harm inflicted on them, I would like to briefly talk about a common and favorite manipulation tactic used by abusers known as DARVO. DARVO is an acronym for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim & Offender. DARVO is a tactic that is rooted in power & control which is very on brand for perpetrators of sexual assault as sexual violence is a crime motivated by power & control. This is the tactic that is being used by the perpetrator and his friends in the situation with me. When people are educated on DARVO and can recognize it when it is being used, they are less likely to fall for it.

 

  When using DARVO: 

• The abuser first denies wrongdoing, responsibility, and the victim’s account of what happened. 

• Next they attack the victim which is the most insidious and aggressive piece of DARVO. The perpetrator is trying to intimidate and silence the victim and any witnesses or supporters. This is calculated and intentional. It is meant to exhaust, isolate, and push the victim and witnesses/supporters to stop talking.

• The perpetrator then positions himself as the victim and claims that the person who is actually the victim is the one causing trouble, is the aggressor, and a liar. This intentional reversal to being the victim by the perpetrator works out well for him among the friends & family as he recruits and grooms them to also viciously attack the victim just as I have been subjected to by these people in Melrose. Some people will pull away and “not get involved” because they are afraid of being subjected to the wrath of the perpetrator and his enablers. 

 

          If anyone has been paying attention to current events lately, DARVO is the very tactic that Prince Andrew used against Virginia Giuffre. The headlines the last couple of days have read “Met Police Launch Probe into Claims Prince Andrew Asked Personal Protection to Dig Up Dirt on Epstein Abuse Victim,” “Smearing a Survivor is the Oldest Play in the Handbook,” “Virginia Has a Criminal Record, Said Andrew. I Have Given My Royal Protection Officer Her Social Security Number for Investigation.” We always see this regardless of whether the perpetrator is famous, a low level public figure, or even just a private citizen. Anyone who has faced off against their abuser is familiar with this. 

 

          With every attack launched against me these people in Melrose further prove that I am telling the truth. The other night I showed a non-Melrose friend some of the comments written on Facebook and Reddit to me and about me by these people. She read these things and said she felt physically sick to her stomach. Now imagine being the person who was the one actually traumatized by the assault which affected her entire adult life and continues to affect her having to read all of that. These are not impulsive teenagers with brains that aren’t fully formed writing these horrific victim blaming rape culture perpetuating things to me. There are full grown adults in their 40s, 50s, and older. 

 

          I have gotten reliable information that the perpetrator of my assault is also now going around spreading the rumor that my roommates from the trip we were on when he assaulted me don’t even believe me. This came from a friend of the perpetrator, but he is now unclear on whether this narrative originated from the perpetrator himself or if it is just the narrative being circulated by the perpetrator and all of his townie friends. I don’t feel that it matters where it originated, it matters only that this is just another lie they are spreading to harm me. This is all quite interesting to me because this situation is not even a matter of them believing me or not. They believe themselves and they know and have always known what he did as they were right there in the aftermath minutes after he did this. They are informed and intelligent grown-ups who know what sexual assault is and that a person who is so intoxicated cannot consent. I texted with one of my roommates from the trip last week when I learned what was being said and she texted me back and wrote:

 

          “For him to say that your roommates don’t believe you is ridiculous. It’s exactly as you said. It is amazing that he hasn’t actually spoken to any of us. I can’t recall ever having a conversation with him. Like ever! Ignore his noise.” 

 

          I communicated with her again last night and I am sharing this publicly here with her permission.  I have the screenshots available from one of my other roommates from the trip who I started having conversations with about this in writing via private messenger in 2017. All of this further shows the depths of deceit that this individual is stooping to in his efforts to avoid accountability, worsen the harm, attack, and try to discredit me. I will not put them in harm's way by asking them to make a statement on social media which would likely subject them to the same vicious attacks that I have had to endure over the last two years. One of them has already been retaliated against by the perpetrator for supporting me and knowing what he did. 

 

          Apparently, I am also now being accused of accusing another Melrose city councilor of child sexual abuse. Information which came from another reliable source. This complete fabrication is happening because I showed the damaging rape culture perpetuating things she was writing in a very public on-line forum to the Melrose High principal. This city councilor literally taunted me on-line and told me to go ahead and post the screenshots of the things she wrote and said that she had nothing to hide. It was the responsible and necessary action to show the principal what she had written and to explain why her public statements were so harmful to the fight against sexual violence and how her comments, especially as an elected community leader and coach at the high school, were undermining efforts to hold perpetrators accountable, support victims who come forward, and prevent attacks on those who speak out. This was in no way, shape, or form accusing her of child sexual abuse. This is more DARVO by someone who caused harm trying to turn it around and make themself out to be a victim and the person who reported them as the problem. This same individual who claims to support survivors who speak out in their pursuit of accountability for themselves and others and says she supports a bill that would protect survivors from retaliatory and frivolous defamation lawsuits, is herself sending cease & desists and threatening a defamation lawsuit. People have the right to have thoughts, opinions, and criticism of the people who govern even in local government. 

 

What does this all mean for the Melrose community:

Why is this so damaging not just for me, but for all survivors, for people currently being abused, and for future victims? This is sending a loud and clear message to the entire Melrose community that if you’re thinking about coming forward about your assault or abuse, don’t bother. These people attacking me are teaching victims to suffer in silence. They’re showing everyone what happens to someone who speaks out. Victims/survivors will be attacked, smeared, called a liar, painted as unstable, and blamed for the harm done to them. The abuser will be shielded and defended, and you, as the victim, will be made out to be the villain for being vocal when you did nothing wrong. These community leaders and their friends are telling victims/survivors that their pain is inconvenient, their truth is unwelcome, and their courage will be punished. 

What is happening in this situation is not just personal retaliation by the perpetrator, it’s public intimidation. It reinforces the exact conditions that keep victims silent: fear of not being believed, fear of backlash, fear of being threatened, fear of being socially ostracized and/or re-traumatized. These things have all, sadly, come true for me. 

This isn't just extremely cruel to me, but it weakens the moral fabric of Melrose and puts more people at risk. When survivors are attacked and silenced, abusers are empowered. And when abuse is allowed to thrive in the shadows, the damage and danger only grows. 

 

          For more information on all of this and my experience, please go to my website: amplifiedvoicehealing.com

 

          Side note: Sexual violence is an umbrella term that encompasses all forms of sexual assault and abuse. Sexual violence is the act of forcing or manipulating someone else into nonconsensual sexual activity. The reasons someone might not consent include fear, age, power dynamics, illness, disability, being asleep, or being under the influence of drugs or any other substance. Those who commit these acts of sexual violence can be acquaintances, classmates, family members, significant others, spouses or trusted individuals, or strangers. According to the U.S. Department of Justice and the CDC, 80-90% of sexual assaults are committed by someone known to the victim. Sexual violence does NOT mean that there was excessive physical force or a violent struggle. What reason would there be for a perpetrator known to a victim to use this type of force if the victim is incapacitated or the perpetrator has used manipulation tactics, coercion, or has abused a position of power over a victim?